Susie's Diary (3)
Baby Blues

9 Days Postpartum

I hold in my arms the nine pound culmination of all my hopes and dreams. Every unanswered prayer and unfulfilled desire was finally granted. Brian Alexander Fielden arrived at 11:13 on December 12 weighing 9 lbs. 1 oz and measuring 21 ½ inches. I feel that between him and his daddy the whole world is mine. I cannot imagine that there will ever be moments happier than those I spend with my family.

It is one of nature's oddest tricks that in the midst of my greatest joy I am beset with weeping spells, depression and hypersensitivity. My husband has learned that the best-intentioned jibe can send me into a flurry of tears. My maternity clothes are too big but nothing else fits properly because of the lingering pregnant shape. The state of my still flabby abdomen and the dreaded stretch marks are a source of continual angst. In my worst moments I am convinced that I am fat and ugly and will be so forever. Thank god this set in after the first two days during which I looked like someone had blackened both my eyes. A few hours after a rough labor I caught sight of myself in the mirror and was shocked. I knew I'd lost a lot of blood and would look run down but I hadn't realized that I'd burst bunches of blood vessels in my face or that I'd be quite so dead looking. They should really remove the mirrors from the bathrooms in the recovery ward. It's just kinder.

The bout of baby blues will pass, I know. I have just to muddle through the first six weeks or so. By then I will also (hopefully) have overcome my terror that I'm the world's least fit mother. I know nothing about babies. I had to find a web page to tell me how to change a diaper. (www.learn2.com)

Even at that, my husband's prior experience was needed to save me from my first attempt. No, I won't tell that story yet, the embarrassment hasn't quite faded. Maybe in another 50 years or so. For now my son seems to be surviving my foibles. Despite my anxieties I have yet to drop him or stick him with a pin (yay disposable diapers!) or damage him in any way, come to think of it. I'm learning as I go and while it may be occasionally messy for my son, his clothes, my clothes, the walls, etc. it will all come out right in the end. The important thing is that I have my son. That's possibly the most beautiful phrase I've ever written - "my son."

A few people have asked me if I plan on going back to work or doing something "fulfilling" with my time. I'm never sure if they're joking or not. Fulfilling? There's something out there more worthwhile that Brian? Sure I'll probably go back to college eventually but for now I have my priority. He's here, he's beautiful and he's mine. What more could I want?

Susie's Diary
1- Demon Posession
2- I've Swallowed Bolivia
3- Baby Blues
4- Fullfilment
5- Becoming a Parent

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