Susie's Diary (5)
Becoming a Person

Today is my 24th birthday (happy birthday to me) and Brian is just over 8 months old. I'm contunually amazed and amused by the fact that he's become a *person* now. Not a helpless baby anymore, though he still needs help with most of life, but a real human being with a personality. Hw giggles, he sings, he crawls, he pulls up on the furniture and then gets mad because he hasn't figured out how to get down. Every day it's something new.

Yesterday as he crawled around making that damp buzzing, razzing sound they make, I realized that his travelling was not random. He was weaving in and out under the dining room set and there was a definite pattern and purpose to what he was doing. I have no clue what it was, but darn it, there was one!

He's so much fun to watch as he explores the world. I can see through his eyes and absolutely everything is cool. Rocks are fascinating. Books are good to lick. Mud is tasty. The dog's water bowl is Nirvana.

It's not all fun and games. He still eats twice during the night and I'm feeling the strain of all the months without a decent night of sleep. He's hit that charming phase where he screams if mama walks out of his line of sight. He's cutting a third tooth and is cranky about that. It can be hard to see him suffer and not be able to help. The 20 minute shrieking tantrum he threw when I told him "NO" because he wanted to play with an electrical socket was horrible. Overall we have more good days than bad ones and that's all we can ask for, I suppose.

As he grows and changes he changes me too. I'm steadier now than I was before. Things matter less that were once all encompassing and those things that were inconsequential are now of utmost importance. I've gone from weekend getaways and diamond earrings to life insurance and choosing a daycare. Heavens, I need to write a will! How did I get so old? How can I still be so young? I'm still sometimes swamped by the feeling that I'm totally unqualified to be a mother. I keep waiting for someone to show up at the door and say, "sorry, there's been a mistake! You aren't nearly responsible/old/clever enough to have a baby!" But they haven't come yet and I'm beginning to think they won't and I'm very glad of that.

Susie's Diary:
1- Demon Posession
2- I've Swallowed Bolivia
3- Baby Blues
4- Fullfilment
5- Becoming a Parent

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